Finding The Path Again.

Its amazing how a bad week can mess you up.

I am on day 3 of keeping it healthy... so no worries there.... but let me tell you how much of a funk I fell in on Day 1.

I was depressed. I had gained at least 5 lbs back over that bad week. Looking at it now I'm pretty sure a majority was water weight... but none the less, I was inching my way back up to the 180's. Friday I was at 179.... and I wanted to cry. I felt like a complete failure. I hated my body. I hated food. I hated everything. At one point I was arguing with myself about just giving up. Part of me wanted to just eat everything in sight and get fat again without a care in the world. The other part of me wanted to never eat a bite of food again. I was considering every eating disorder there was... starvation being my number one choice.

I couldn't get any more messed up in the head then I was on Friday. To make it worse, I felt like I looked worse then I had at 220 lbs. I didn't want my husband to touch me or look at me. Poor guy wanted some affection and I felt too ugly to give it to him. So I went to my closet to put on some sweat pants and a t-shirt. He followed me in the closet and gave me a big hug.

"Don't you see how far you've come?" he said. "Don't you remember the rolls of fat that used to be behind you?" He slid his hand down my back. "They're not there anymore. You look amazing. You just had an off week. We all do. You'll be ok."

He left me alone in the closet. I am so scared of gaining it all back that a bad week seems like the end of the world. The thought of being 180 again made me sick. I cried. Why couldn't I see how far I had come?

Some how I pulled myself together. I made the two voices in my head come to an agreement. I would not starve myself... but I would not eat too much either. I started running through all the little things I needed to do to get back on track. Drinking water, smaller portions, no sugar, no bread, more veggies, 3 meals a day, vitamins, running.... running. I have a half marathon in less then 2 months. If I focus on that I can make it.

Saturday was Day 1 for me... luckily it was my daughters birthday party so I was busy all day. I ate healthy... even having a slice of her birthday cake. Sunday morning I was down to 178. I kept fighting my emotions and just tried to remember how to eat. Healthy choices, healthy portions...

This morning I am at 177.4. I still feel like I'm walking on the edge... but I see the path I'm supposed to take and I'm going the right way. Having a breakdown is part of the experience I guess.... but I'm still worried. Is this what its going to be like when I reach my goal weight of 155? Will I feel fat and drop into a depression if I see 158 on the scale one morning?

I'm going running.

"The best thing about straying from the path is knowing there IS a path to get back on"