Motivation #2

Part of the fear of going back to the 'old' me is the fear of dying. Two months before taking this picture my doctor found a 5 lb tumor attached to my ovary. Three months earlier I had given birth to my Baby and still had a bit of a belly on me.... ok, so much of a belly on me that I was asked when I was going to have the baby. As much as I would love to say it was because of the tumor the size of a football in me, I knew better.

I went through an emotional roller coaster the next two weeks. Crying at the site of my children. Wondering how much longer I would have with them before cancer took me too. (My dad had died only 4 years earlier to cancer) It was devastating. I laid in bed all day, even though physically I felt fine.

Then the surgery came, leaving a massive scar down the middle of my stomach, and it was time for me to put on the brave face. The pain was terrible, but I tried not to show it when Hubby brought the girls to visit. Angel was 2 years old and trying to figure out why Mom wasn't sleeping in her own bed. Baby was 3 months old and a favorite with the nurses.

When I got home it was hard. It would be another week before I would know that I was cancer free. But even after the good news I still sat on the couch and drowned my depression in food.

It was a good 6 months after the surgery that I finally got a good look at myself. If I kept going on the path I was on, I would die from obesity... not cancer. How silly would that be.

At that point I started looking into losing weight. You know, buying healthy cook books and running magazines. I researched how fat I really was by finding my BMI... and then figured out how hard my heart had to pump in order for my workouts to do any good. It took another 6 months before I finally gave up on the 'research' and just jumped in.

Almost three years later I am sitting here, talking to you, with a 6 year old and a 4 year old. My health is good... my weight is better.

Writing this out helped remind me of that helpless feeling I had back then. Feeling helpless that no matter what I did, something was going to take me from this earth. Even though that is still true today, I know that if I do get cancer again... I will have a much better chance at surviving being at a normal and active weight.

So, motivation #2..... Living.